COMMENTARY | With Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Ron Paul and Mitt Romney essentially tied for the front-runner position in the GOP nomination race it's apparent voters are divided. I'm here to translate their platforms from political speech into English so people can understand their positions. This article focuses on Herman Cain's documentation. You might interpret it like this:
National Security
I will let the military tell me what to do. We'll need to spend a ton of money on defense because terrorists, like slasher movie monsters, are unstoppable engines of destruction that will kill us all.
Immigration
Our southern border is like a sieve letting all kinds of evildoers through. I hate when people show up unannounced with a boxcar full of drugs and uninsured migrant workers who bankrupt our hospitals when they get sick.
Reducing Government Spending
The government sees citizens as piggy banks to tap for their liberal social programs. How dare it suck the money out of the people like that? Bleeding the people dry is supposed to be the corporations' and stock markets' job.
The Economy
When the government favors certain industries it hurts economic growth. All corporations need to be treated fairly so they can rule over the peasant work force with equal, unbridled power. My 9-9-9 plan will solve everything. Don't tax rich people. It's all those poor people who should carry the burden.
Energy
If there's something valuable under the ground dig it out. Anything that used to be a dinosaur and can power a motor is critical to our nation. If we cut down all the trees we can commoditize oxygen.
Industry Regulations
Someone get me a flamethrower so I can burn them all.
Entitlements
Grandma and Grandpa paid into guaranteed social programs for their entire lives. Let's make them gamble in the market anyway.
Health Care
Pay your own way. Employers shouldn't have to shell out for you to go to the doctor. Let the market handle it because that always takes care of the little guy.
Faith and Family
The 1950s were the "early years" of the United States. National greatness comes from God. Hard work on the part of the people has nothing to do with it.
Education
Let's corporatize schools. Whatever works in business will work in the classroom. Kids are products and teachers are the factory workers.
Cain should probably stick to running a pizza company.
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